


concrete heart.

by rarelypoetic



Series: stream of consciousness [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Dean's emo inner monologue, Episode: s11e14 The Vessel, Gen, POV Second Person, Stream of Consciousness, i am suffering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-20
Updated: 2016-02-20
Packaged: 2018-05-22 06:31:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6068794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rarelypoetic/pseuds/rarelypoetic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean reflects on Cas being possessed and wallows in a whole lot of self-loathing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	concrete heart.

You've watched him throw himself into the fire for you so many times that it’s almost something you’ve come to expect. You see him bleed for you again and you only think _‘how long before I’m seeing his ghost in motel mirrors?’_ and ‘ _how long before I’m dreaming that he’s drowning just out of reach?’_

Castiel is something you never should have had, but you did, and it’s shaken you apart in every way imaginable. Man wasn’t supposed to lie with angel, you know that must be true, because why else does loving him feel like scouring your insides with acid? Why else does loving him make you want to turn your heart inside out?

Man wasn’t supposed to lie with angel, but you want to - God, you want to so badly you think you must be made of mostly longing. Whatever part of you doesn’t ache for him is empty, empty, empty.

You should have seen Lucifer in his eyes sooner. How could you have missed the absence of warmth, the absence of yearning between you both? The truth is that you did notice. Of course you did. But you had, _have,_ so much faith in him that it was an impossible thought.

Why would he surrender like that? _(_ _Why would he leave you?)_

You need him. You know you must have said it to him. Wasn’t that enough?

You think of the way he used to look at you: like you had something to offer, like you were more than the bones that he rebuilt your body from. You think of the way he looks at you now: like he knows that you’ve made mistakes and will make more of them but he’d forgive you anything. _Anything._ To be loved like that hurts. You don’t know how to articulate it, but it feels like a fist around your heart, squeezing for all it's worth.

The weight of his belief in you is suffocating.

Chances are you wouldn't know what to do with it, but you don't even have the chance to figure it out. Now he’s gone and martyred himself again. And you and him must truly be a match made in Heaven because you’re two of the same kind. The only difference is you would destroy yourself for the world over and over again and he would tear himself apart a thousand times for you.

Your brother looks at you like you’re liable to break into razor-sharp shards of glass at any moment. He doesn’t say it, but you know he thinks that Lucifer possessing Cas is somehow his fault.

You want to laugh at the thought. You also want to scream.

It’s your fault and you know it. You know it without having to ask. You know it because along you knew that the way you were treating him was eventually going to ruin him. So you’ve got that to be proud of: you’ve sullied something divine.

It wouldn’t be the first time.

Sometimes before you go to bed you still pray to him. But you know it’s more than a shot in the dark. Your prayers might as well be pennies sinking to the bottom of a fountain. They’ll never reach him, and even if by some cosmic misstep they did, Cas is done listening to you.

He gave himself to the devil because he knew there was nothing left for him on earth with the Winchesters. With _you._ Because he knew the only way you’d blink twice in his direction is if he tried to clean up your mess for you.

The worst part: he was right.

He has your attention now. All of it. You’d turn the world upside down to find a way to get him back, but you have a feeling it wouldn't be worth a goddamn thing. Cas is done always coming when you call. ( _Maybe he's better off.)_  Cas has finally learned that his place isn’t with you. ( _Good, you don't deserve him._ ) Cas isn’t coming back home. 

_(You hope, in the next life, you can love him like he deserves. With all of yourself.)_

**Author's Note:**

> this is so sad and emo, but it is how i feel inside right now. dean and cas make me this way. i am sorry. (title cred goes to the song Holy Ropes by photocomfort)
> 
> p.s. please don't give me shit for writing a whole lot of terrible things about dean. you know that boy hates himself more than any of us ever could, and i was just trying to capture that. he needs a hug. :-/


End file.
